by John Roberts

As the naked body scanners and invasive patdowns of air travel patrons become more common, so do the complaints.

New security measures adopted by the TSA and endorsed by homeland security secretary Janet Napolitano have people protesting that it violates their right against unreasonable search. Airlines worldwide are also concerned with extra restrictions on an already struggling industry.

At Monday’s press conference, Janet Napolitano explained the real problem. “This has simply been a communication problem. If passengers really knew what was going on here, they would be all for people grabbing their privates.”

This continues a theme from the Obama administration of communication being at the heart of these issues as opposed to the policies themselves.

“We need to do a better job of setting the mood,” Napolitano continued. ”At airport security areas we are going to start dimming the lights a bit. We will also be playing Kenny G music softly. While escorting passengers to the renamed “Happy Area”, TSA security will be required to talk a little bit about themselves. I think it will really be an enjoyable experience.”

Other changes that are expected are renaming security officers ‘escorts’, allowing passengers to select their own escort from a lineup while holding a picture of their own naked body scan, the option of having the escort feed them fruit while they perform the patdown for an extra fee.

Homeland Security anticipates that the changes will more than make up for the decreased air travel since the new policies were instituted.

by John Roberts

In light of recent events involving death threats from Republicans, Christian teabaggers, and conservatives, we wanted to make our readers aware of the dangers that are around us today, and arm you with information to prevent yourself from entering a dangerous situation. Nancy Pelosi has witnessed this violence first hand. It almost made her cry. Please study the following and pass it along. It may just save a life.

The following are sure ways to spot a conservative (then run for your life):

1. They wear necklaces or other jewelry bearing the cross. This is a Christian symbol representing death to all.

2. They drive SUV’s. They clearly do not value human life and are voluntarily destroying our planet and life as we know it. They won’t think twice about taking yours.

3. They own guns. The better to kill you with.

4. They support the death penalty. This is obvious.

5. They support the military. The military kills people.

6. They are against abortion. I’m confused about this one. I guess they enjoy killing people when they’re older.

7. They promote abstinence until marriage, yet they have more children. More people to kill?

8. Diplomacy is not an option for them. Hardly anyone ever dies in diplomacy.

9. They hate the UN. The UN never killed anyone….I think.

10. They don’t want universal health care. They love when sick people die.

Of course there are other clues. Use common sense. Don’t go into conservative communities after dark. Turn off your voicemal. We can make America a safer place for our children.

Some hippies like to claim that they’re following in Jesus’ footsteps, and that He was the original hippie.  Was He?  Think you have to wait until the end to hear the answer?  Well, here it is:  No, Jesus was not a hippie.  In fact, Jesus was the anti-hippie.

Why are you still reading?  OK, let me lay this out for you.  Jesus dressed like a hippie.  Jesus had hair like a hippie.  Jesus spoke of peace, hope and forgiveness.  So, Jesus was a hippie, right?  WRONG!  What did I just tell you?!  Don’t get off track.

If Jesus’ attire made Him a hippie then everybody back then would have been one.  Jesus wasn’t making a statement with his attire.  He did not stand out because of his dress, nor did He stand out because of His hair.  Hippies?  You can spot a hippie almost before you can smell the pot smoke if you’re upwind.

Jesus was alert, focused, and precise in the deep wisdom He shared.  Hippies?  To interpret their drug-induced chatter as “wisdom” requires the listener to be named Lucy and to be listening while in the sky with diamonds.

Jesus lived the life of a hardworking carpenter.  During the last years of His life, His ministry, He worked harder than ever.  He honored His earthly parents and fulfilled the ultimate mission set forth by His Father.  Hippies?  I would not describe the parents of a hippie as “proud.”  Nor would I describe hippies as hard working.  I guess Jesus could be considered a wanderer during his ministry, but the comparison ends there as His goal was not finding the next free concert and weed stash.

Jesus and His apostles spoke clearly against fornication and adultery.  Hippies?  Not only were they incredibly casual in sexual partners, but their phrase “free love” made it clear that it was just one more thing that didn’t require a paycheck.

Jesus spoke of peace and forgiveness, but He also did not hesitate to kick some butt and take names when necessary.  Jesus’ message was one of how to gain peace for the individual soul, not military instruction on conflict avoidance.  Japan is now one of the closest allies of the U.S..  There is no greater peace that could’ve been gained with Japan than through military conflict.  Hippies?  War is not free, man.  If you want peace, then just have it… for free.  All you have to do is hold up signs claiming that weakness, conflict avoidance, and refusing to stand up for what is right equals peace.

Adam and Eve were given dominion “over all the earth” and given “every beast of the earth… for meat.”  Hippies?  Humans are the scourge of our Mother Earth.  Animals are our brothers.  We can’t eat our brothers.

There are no records of any statements regarding Jesus’ stance on evil corporations.

So, if you’re a hippie, stop claiming Jesus as one of your own.  If you’re an ex-hippie then you’re probably serving in the Senate or House of Representatives or producing films in Hollywood.  FYI, no matter how many films you make trying to make hippies look cool… it won’t work.  Not even Hollywood is that powerful.