by John Roberts

This week’s results episode of American Idol was a 2 hour special including a fund raiser for “Idol Gives Back”, featuring many organizations helping less fortunate individuals all around the world. It was a successful night, raising nearly $45 million. The thing that stood out most to me was the fact that our country is a piece of crap that needs to be fundamentally changed. You’ll see what I mean.

Many Hollywood stars traveled to the areas of need to tell the stories of the affected individuals and families. There were the normal stops in developing countries, showing typical stories of parents dying of malaria, leaving children parentless, when a $5 net, or some DDT would have been all that was needed. Or an AIDS infected mother who gave birth to a little girl who is also now infected with AIDS. She looked like she weighed about 20 lbs, and was about 4 years old. Totally cliche. Also about how there are 27 million slaves in the world, and a story of a girl who was nearly sold as a sex slave, blah blah blah.

Anyway, now to the really sad stuff. Did you know that there are families, right here in the United States, that have to drive to food pantries to get free food? Right here in the United States! It’s unbelievable. And also, there are some children in the United States that don’t have any books! In the United freaking States! NO BOOKS! Also, one family lives really far from the doctor so they have to get care from a doctor in an RV that travels to them. The humanity!

I’m not sure why Idol felt like the visit to other countries was necessary when there is such profound need in our own. Let’s stop fretting about the insignificant malaria and AIDS deaths, and the sex slave trade. We have our own problems.

Our system is obviously broken. The free market has failed. We need fundamental change. A free book per week to every child. Free food delivered to every home so you don’t have to go get it. A doctor in every home. Aren’t these fundamental rights for every American? I think they’re even in the Constitution.

In conclusion, let’s just get back to the constitution everyone. “Americans should have everything and everything should be free.” I’m paraphrasing of course, but I believe that was Thomas Jefferson, or the 4th ammendment or something.

FORE!!!

I have a certain group of friends I like to golf with. A certain friend, who for privacy purposes I will refer to as “Phil” for the remainder of this article, has a horrible habit. Not being the best golfer ever, he often finds himself in a bad position after the tee shot. Usually, either directly behind a tree, deep in a sand trap, or 15 feet to the left of the tee. Every, single time we plead with Phil to chip his shot back out onto the fairway to get a good approach lie. But, Phil will inevitably club up, take aim, and try his hardest to force the ball to the green from his current position. He always trusts that if he hits the ball hard enough, he will escape his horrible spot, and be able to catch up to the rest of us. However, 95% of the time, his efforts land him in an even worse situation then he started in. Despite this cycle, Phil will never change. He won’t swallow his pride enough to just chip the ball out, take the stroke, and move on.

For those of you who enjoy golf enough to still be reading, realize that congress has this exact same policy when it comes to passing bills. Quotes hinting at this have been echoing through all major news organizations: “[President Obama] has directed the Congress to ram Obamacare through, by one vote if necessary”, “Everyone knows health care is a problem. It needs well thought-out comprehensive solutions, not something you ram through because your ego is so big”, and “they’re going to ram it through whether we like it or whether the American people like it.”

Now, Phil is a great guy. He realizes the problems in front of him, and really just wants to be past them. It’s just so darn painful to watch him try to muscle his way through them. Congress – please take a lesson from my friend Phil. We all understand how bad things are. “Ramming” things through is never a good option. Let’s take a second, look at what’s going on, and maybe just chip it on out. Trust me, we’ll both be better for it.

by John Wharff

History books are full of the moments that forever changed the world. Whether they were the actions of individuals, or entire nations, these moments were deemed worthy and recorded for future posterity. Now children are memorizing not only the Pledge of Allegiance (if not outlawed at time of posting), but also parts of famous speeches and documents like The Gettysburg Address or The Bill of Rights. I personally believe this practice does a wonderful job at teaching America’s youth not to learn history, but mindlessly regurgitate information that will never help them become contributing citizens. But what you might not know is that most of these documents have been altered and censored to make them more family-friendly.

Lately, with the pass of President Obama’s Health Care Reform Bill, we got a small glimpse into the live, unedited truth of American History. Directly after embracing our President, Vice President Biden leaned in and whispered (or tried to whisper) into our Commander-in-Chief’s ear, “This is a big f****** deal.” Which gives me cause to revisit history, or the truth of history.

The beloved quote by Neil Armstrong now memorized as, “One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind” is actually incorrectly repeated. What was actually said was, “Holy S*** this is probably going to be pretty f****** important, you know?”

The extremely influential first line of the Declaration of Independence is now written as, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” Really, it was more simply put as, “We’re pretty d*** sure that all motherf****** are about the same, and the bulls*** shouldn’t stop nobody.”

And my last example is that of the patriotic inaugural address of President John F. Kennedy. Every proud citizen of the U.S.A. remembers the quote, “And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you – ask what you can do for your country.” What was really said was, “F*** the bulls***, let’s get this party started!”

I’m sure that in 20 years time,  elementary students will hear the then patriofied words of Vice President Biden echo through the hallways of our schools, “Mr. President, long will live the historic importantance of this, the moment we sign into effect this patriotic and far sweeping bill of health for our fellow brethren and sisters of America.”

When first put on the shelves, or tarmac rather, NASA was looking to make $42 Million on each vehicle, but has since lowered it’s price to a thrifty $28.8 million. But, before you bust out your checkbook, note that these vehicles come without engines. Don’t let that stop you though, I’m sure your local Hobby Lobby or Robert’s Craft has plenty of choices for rocket engines. Or you could always place a call to Stark Industries or The Wayne Corporation.

Despite the fact that the shuttles will most likely be sold to various museums throughout the world, thus keeping us normal citizens from enjoying them, the real magic is President Obama’s stroke of self-funding genius I think we need to take it a step further, however, and roll this ideal out to all government organizations, only specially tailored to fit each individual group.

Does your school need money for teachers, supplies, or food? Hold bake sales. Sell old textbooks and desks, or maybe auction of wings of your school to be named after whoever forks out the dough to buy them. Also, the Postal Service could offer gift wrapping for all parcels and letters and offer run rides in their MailMobiles.

But the ultimate source of self-funded governmental goodness could be the very senators, representatives and other government employees throughout this nation. We all know that certain allegations have been made about certain civil servants and certain wom

For Sale!

en of the night. But just think of the capital making power! Instead of seeking the comfort of prostitutes, government workers everywhere could become prostitutes, thus funding their entire time in office! Our government could become entirely self-sustaining!

Think about it America. The future is waiting.

Come on Tebows! Let’s not take this Pro-Choice thing to far. Apparently you have a hard time understanding what ‘choice’ means. It’s not that you get to decide between several choices when you’re pregnant. The choice you make is abortion. I’m so outraged and offended that you guys made the wrong choice, and then go flaunt it in front of everybody that I almost get physically ill.

Joy Behar from “The View” said it best. “The only argument against any of it is, that, you know, he could just as easily become some kind of a rapist pedophile. I mean, you don’t know what someone’s going to be.” I couldn’t agree more. Think about how many rapist pedophiles there would be if we just aborted all of them. NONE! The Tebow family’s support of rapist pedophiles makes me angry. Let’s play it safe people. You never know what you’re going to have. Abort!

On top of it, the group that is funding the commercial is totally relevant to this discussion, because I hate that group. So even if the message wasn’t totally hateful, the funds are. I remember a Gummi Bears commercial from the 80′s that was funded by the KKK. Nobody knew about it, but those commercials made me sick. And CBS, don’t get me started. I bet you they wouldn’t show an abortion during the Superbowl, but they would show a non-abortion. It’s such a double standard!

I’m in the process of organizing a day this year when we can all go to the maternity centers and wave ‘Wrong Choice’ banners, and pass out pamphlets about the right choice. Abortion. It’s so offensive to me to see new born babies in public, or leaving hospitals. It’s like they’re spitting in the face of every woman who decided to get an abortion.

The Tebows are face spitting rapist pedophiles. Disgusting. Let’s all stand up and make a stand, standing against the Tebows stance, before we all lose the ability to stand for choices….errr, choice.

You know what my new favorite fairy tale is?  It’s a really short one written by a new child’s author named Barack Obama.  Do you have your blanket?  Here it is:  “Many originally feared that most of the $700 billion in TARP money would be lost, but because of the management of this program by Secretary Geithner and my economic team, we’ve now recovered the majority of the funds provided to banks.”

Wasn’t that wonderful?  It may be harder to understand in it’s fairy tale form.  Let me share the true story that this tale is loosely based on:  “The taxpayers originally feared that most of the temporary $700 billion loan borrowed from China to bail out banks would never be able to be repaid, but the banks were able to pay most of it back.  Thanks to Secretary Geithner, Obama’s economic team, and White House lawyers, the government is now overriding the original intent of the this loan, and is going to use the repaid money to fund liberal programs and not use it to pay back the national debt that this loan created.”

That’s not as fun to hear, is it?  Barack is much better at writing fairy tales than I am.

When this bill was passed, Congress told us that this was just a loan to the banks, and we could potentially get all that money back.  Senators even wrote into the bill that the money, when returned, had to go to pay off the national debt that it created.  Well, now that we’re getting the money back under this new Administration, Obama’s lawyers have determined that the “wording” of the TARP bill allows them to spend the money as they please.  They don’t even need to bother us with the details.  Isn’t that wonderful?

We passed a bill that’s become a magic money kettle for liberal programs.  One that’s as big as the entire cost of the Iraq war to date.  Just think of the fun this Administration will have with it.

Here’s a fairy tale that I’m working on:  “Obama was President, and we all lived happily ever after…”  Yeah, it needs some work.  Even fairy tales have to be at least somewhat believable.

That’s right. I said it. Education, as it seems to be defined today, sucks. Let’s see if I can capture the essence of the American education system. Go to school/daycare for 7 hours a day for 12 years, and get a high school diploma, then you have an education. Simple. Although, I don’t know that people with a high school education are generally considered “educated”. For that you have to go to college. Notice I didn’t mention anything about knowledge. Knowledge is gained when you try to apply the stuff you learned in the real world, only to discover it’s not exactly how you learned it in school. Some people never live in the real world and never gain knowledge. They’re called politicians.

So, 16 years pass, and approximately 20,000 hours of “education”. We learn about history, math, english, technology, science…….or do we? 20,000 hours!? I’d venture that any worker in any field with 20,000 hours in their chosen field would be considered, well, a seasoned expert. Most products of our education system, taking basic tests on all of the above mentioned topics seem to fail miserably, meaning, not seasoned expert. In case you didn’t know, when you go to school to learn, it costs money. When you are working to learn, you earn money. Why? Because our education system sucks! Am I saying it is worse than other countries? I don’t give a crap about other countries.

“It’s because we don’t put enough money into it.” Wrong. It’s because we don’t put enough innovation into it. How do you innovate in education? You reward innovation. How do you reward innovation? I really hope you know the answer to this already. Look at the areas of our lives with the most innovation. What’s their reward? Profit!

I know, profits are evil, etc. etc. Let’s take a look at the biggest piece of crap industries in the country, and see if we can find a common thread there as well. Finance, Health Insurance, Housing…..the Post Office (another article, coming soon). Wait a minute, all of those industries are highly regulated by the federal government! Wait! So is education! No wonder education is crap.

The world all around our classrooms has evolved into a pretty amazing place over life of our country. We don’t go to school pulled by horses anymore. We can fly, we can drive, we can gps, cell, computer, satellite….but our idea of education is still a teacher and a text book teaching 30 kids. Come on! We don’t even know what education would look like now if we had some incentive to innovate it over the last 100 years.

How do we fix it? Get the government out of it, get the teachers unions out of it. Let’s focus on the kids. Parents know better than government. I apologize that some people would get rich along the way, but I promise it will only be the ones providing something that people want. Not administrators funneling tax money into their pockets.

Dear White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs,

You recently responded to reporters questioning the validity of man-caused Climate Change in light of the lack of warming over the last decade and recent record colds worldwide by saying,  “I would say that there are, even in places that are used to getting very cold weather, record cold…our weather patterns have been affected by change in our climate.”

Your reasoning is certainly flawless, climate and weather are definitely related, so I don’t question your logic, but I’d really like some insight into the science behind this being linked to man-caused “Climate Change.”  I don’t remember ANY scientists predicting that carbon emissions would bring us record colds.  So, I need your help on this one.  I remember the explanations for why carbon emissions were causing warming.  You know, the CO2 gets up in the atmosphere and traps the heat from the Sun so it can’t escape back into space, right?  So, I’m wondering at what point in the process of the Earth trapping the Sun’s heat that it causes record cold.  If you could explain that one to me I would very much appreciate it.  Or maybe Al Gore?  His scientific yarns enthrall me.

Global Warming… sorry, “Climate Change” causes all kinds of tornadoes and hurricanes, right?  Because the warming of the Earth makes the weather patterns change, right?  OK, that one is easy to explain.  I mean, it’s not happening, but at least I can connect the dots on that theory.  HOWEVER, I’m REALLY having trouble explaining to my wacko conservative friends how the warming of the Earth causes record colds throughout the globe.

Any help you could give me on this would be greatly appreciated, because I’ve been shoving Global Warming down my friends’ throats for several years now, and I’m really starting to look like a complete idiot.  I’ve tried using your quote, “I think one only has to step outside… to understand that… the record temperatures that Climate Change is likely causing is with us,” but stepping outside into the record cold seems to have proven less convincing in practice than in theory.

Thanks in advance.

Why do liberals feel the need to abandon our Constitution?  I’ve finally figured it out.

Have you seen how our Founding Fathers dressed?  How can we pay attention to a document written by men in wigs and knee socks?  No, no, no.  Our Constitution must be completely out of date.

Sure, the Constitution was great while it lasted.  It took us from a point where we, as a world, had not advanced technology in 3000 years (we were still using stick-plows, the same boat designs, hand-woven clothes, cart & oxen, early death, mystical medicines) to the point where we were walking on the moon in just a couple hundred years.  This new free market, limited government idea changed the entire world and brought us electricity, engines, nuclear energy, aircraft, electronics, communications, medical research, doubled lifespan… … … (I could go on for a long time) all originating from the free private sector.

This document changed the face of the entire world, and because of it’s earth shattering success it’s principles were thought to be eternal, but how could a document possibly still apply to our modern world when it’s authors wore puffy shirts with jackets that had their collars pulled up like the Fonz?  No, no, no.

We need a NEW country.  One where there are no poor.  There are actually people in our modern world, right here in the U.S. that can barely afford an iPod.  People making minimum wage who can hardly afford a new car stereo along with so many other bills.  No!  This will not stand, you puffy sleeve button-up-vested bastards!  Our Founding Fathers clearly did not plan far enough into the future.  They failed to plan for the need for our government to take care of us, to give us health care, to control our mortgage industry, to punish the rich and redistribute their wicked wealth, to fund failing businesses and banks, and to take responsibility for saving the free market by printing money and throwing it at the liberal arts and community organizations.  They did not foresee the need for government control that is so needed in today’s incredibly prosperous world.

I mean, sure, the Constitution was great for their time.  Having people work as communities for the common good had been tried a thousand times, and they were looking for something new.  The first settlers to America learned this lesson the extremely hard way, and had 7 years of starvation, slaughtering their milk cows, eating their dogs, then their dead, until they realized what a terrible idea the community storehouse was.  Everybody took from the storehouse what they needed, and put back into it what they could.  Sounds like a great way for everyone to contribute to survival, but in practice it led to starvation and death.  Of the 9,000 that came, only 1,000 survived.  It was only when they allowed private ownership of land, allowed them to plow their own fields for their own families, and give a couple barrels of corn to the storehouse… only when they were working for the benefit of their own families… did Jamestown become prosperous, and nobody went without.

But that was then!  This is now, and we are better communities that are more willing to work for the benefit of others.  We need a new country where people care for each other, where the government is one humongous community storehouse that redistributes our individual family’s gain to the community based on individual needs.  I mean, sure it’s been used by tyrannical governments in the past as a means to lure the people into government control by people like Hitler, Stalin, Castro, Chavez, Mao, Mussolini… but WE CAN GET IT RIGHT THIS TIME.

I mean, what could a bunch of old dudes sporting shoes with buckles possibly know about what is needed in our day?  The free market and limited government were great while they lasted, but we’ve had a few bumpy years economically, so let’s change everything!  Here’s to the future, written by people in proper modern fashionable attire!

Who is to blame? YOU!

by John Wharff

Now, a second group of people have rose up to belittle not Reid, but President Obama himself. They feel as though he is missing an important opportunity to speak out against racism and build bridges for the American people. They feel that by doing nothing, he is, in effect, condoning the actions of Reid.

I, personally, feel that we need to take things even a step further. Let me be the first to fire a warning shot at the real enemy in this situation, me. I feel that I really haven’t done enough publicly decry Mr. Reid’s thoughtless and racist remarks. How dare you Mr. Reid. Shame on you. In holding a position such as yours, I thought it was a rule you had to think before you spoke. Or was this one of the speeches you actually wrote yourself? Ridiculous.

I also would like to take this moment to comment on our President’s actions. What are you thinking? Why have you not held a press conference lately? We really need you to fix more of these problems more quickly. It seems like you are spending a little too much time “flying to conferences” and “holding peace-keeping meetings”. Let’s see a little more correction of individuals who make mistakes please. If you won’t do it, I’ll silently hate you until someone else gets put in your place.

Lastly, let me address myself. Slacker. You should have wrote this long ago. You think long and hard about what you have done here.

Now that that’s been taken care of, we can get back to blaming anyone and everyone who has the audacity to make a mistake in a public forum. Most TV shows are taking a seasonal break, so I need some scandal with which to fill my time. What has Paris Hilton been up to lately, anyways? Or maybe a Bush daughter? Or former President Bill Clinton? Come on, anything. In the meantime I assure you I will be doing my part to continue the angry finger-pointing circle until it returns again.