By John Roberts

Government officials are finally getting serious about cutting budgets. While McDonald’s has come under fire over the years for serving unhealthy food, one thing has become clear, it’s not killing anyone….at least, not immediately. It’s reward? Complete regulatory control over the nations food.

Senators have debated the efficacy of the regulatory process overseen by the FDA and the USDA, seeing that 5,000 people die from food poisoning each year in the United States, and none of them are by food from McDonald’s.

During the senate hearings between the FDA and McDonald’s, a spokesperson from the FDA stated, “The more people that die from food poisoning each year, the more important our Administration becomes.”A McDonald’s representative rebutted, “The more people that die from food we serve each year, the more we aren’t in business any more. Killing people is bad business, so we don’t do it.”

Bad business indeed. An incident involving Jack in the Box in 1993 nearly put the company out of business, when 6 people died and many became sick from USDA approved meat that was cooked following FDA regulations.

The FDA spokesperson argued that if companies go out of business for killing people, then the FDA would have been out of business a long time ago.

McDonald’s CEO has agreed to regulate the entire food industry in the United States for a total of $0, cutting nearly $100 billion in the federal budget from the FDA and the USDA. “The standard is set so low that I’m not sure we really have to do anything to beat last year’s numbers. Look, people are going to have to start thinking for themselves, instead of falsely believing the government has looked at and approved of every piece of food going into their mouth.”

Senator Beshower from Maryland noted that the yearly cost for food regulation is about $333 per citizen and suggested that a $333 refund be given to all 76 million people who became ill from food poisoning last year, including the 325,000 who were hospitalized. Further debate is expected on the refunds.

by Brett Roberts

Remember when we didn’t have dirty used car salesmen running Washington?  No?  Neither can I.

Customer:  “I want to spend $100 billion per year on government health insurance.”
Salesman:  “Well, let’s put you in this health care package right here.  Just a trillion dollars the first 10 years.”
Customer:  “That sounds perfect.  I’ll take it.”
Salesman:  “OK, you’ll get the yearly bill in the mail starting tomorrow.”
Customer:  “OK, I just need the keys.”
Salesman:  “You’ll get to drive this baby home in just 4 years.”
Customer:  “Wait, what?  I don’t get to use it for 4 years?  But I’m starting my yearly payments tomorrow.”
Salesman:  “Well, in order for it to cost just $100 billion per year you have to go 4 years without using it.”
Customer:  “Wait, so you said it was going to cost $1 trillion the first ten years.  What will it cost the second ten years?”
Salesman:  “Oh, that’s a long time away.  Let’s focus on the near future.  It’s going to cost us hardly anything these first 4 years.”
Customer:  “No duh.  How much is it going to cost in the 10th year?  I’m not buying unless you tell me.”
Salesman:  “It’ll cost about $250 billion that year, but that’s just a CBO estimate, and they’re always WAY off.”
Customer:  “Yeah, it always costs WAY more than they say.  Even their lowball estimate is two-and-a-half times more than I told you I wanted to spend!  I’m outta here.”
Salesman:  “Well, you really don’t have a say.”

The Congressional Budget Office’s (CBO) health care cost graph showing the increase in cost year to year over this first ten years looks like a climb up Mt. Everest.  To justify this bill’s cost based on the first 10 years is like pretending a teenager working at a fast food restaurant can afford a 5,000 sq. ft. house just because the loan payments on his variable rate mortgage loan start out at just $300/mo.  We all know what’s going to happen in 2 years when he owes $2,300/mo.  Oh, and let’s make this a better comparison to our current situation.  The teenager has a credit card debt of $120,000.

To make things worse, the CBO has to project their numbers based on all the fancy claims that Congress tells them is going to happen… like claiming they’re going to cut Medicare by $500 billion.  HA!  Doctors are already losing money on Medicare patients, and that would require another 21% cut in their fees, and would have to remain at that level indefinitely.  Yeah, and Congress has a totally sweet bridge to sell you as well.

They’re also telling the CBO to factor in billions of dollars in reducing a huge percentage of fraud.  Wow, the way Congress talks about this, let’s go ahead and throw in some flying cars and houses on the moon.

Other savings?  Reducing pay to hospitals, facilities, services, doctors…  Wow, that doesn’t sound like it’s going to have any effect on quality of care at all… or the number of people willing to become doctors.  Did I mention that 49% of doctors say they’ll quit if this bill passes?  I think they’re probably bluffing.  Does all this make YOU want to be a doctor?  How about your kids?

Well, the future looks bright.

True to their word, Democrats pass their health bill with un-rationed affordable health care for all Americans. Republicans in congress fought hard against the bill, saying health care would have to be rationed by government, and that it would be too expensive.

“Sarah Palin was on the crazy train. Death panels, rationed health care,” says Democrat Representative George Wilfong. “We wouldn’t do that to the American people.”

Many Republicans stand in awe at the brilliance of the bill. Republican Sandy Mayer says “I don’t know how they did it. I still can’t believe it. Government finally did something right.” If you believe that free, unlimited health care for every American is something right, then yes, the American government has done something right.

Many Americans stand in awe themselves, not quite sure how this is happening, but happy to participate. One person waiting in line for health care was asked.
“What are you doing here?”
“Waiting in line for my free nose job.”
“Who’s your doctor?”
“I don’t know. Obama’s doctors.”
“Where did Obama find all of these doctors?”
“I don’t know…his stash. Obama! Obama! Obama!”

Another American citizen waiting for health care added. “Yo no se de donde vienen los doctores. Soy de Guatemala.”

Republicans have their own suspicions as to where the doctors might be coming from. “Obama is cloning them. I can’t see any other way. It’s irresponsible and unethical.”

Democrats deny any use of cloning. “The truth of the matter is that there aren’t any new doctors. Through a program called ‘Caff for Doctors’, we provide free caffeinated energy drinks to all doctors. All we do is give each doctor in the country two 5 hour energy drinks per day. That amounts to 70 extra work hours per week, per doctor.”

When asked how the government can afford to pay the doctors for their extra time, Democratic leader Mitch Chafin explained. “Health care is a right for all Americans. It just so happens that doctors provide that right. You shouldn’t have to be paid to allow Americans their rights. You should go to jail for treason if you deny them their rights.”

Most Americans don’t know or care why their health care is now unlimited and free. They’re just happy they get it. Aren’t we all.

by John Wharff

If you have read a newspaper or turned on the news lately, you have noticed that health care is one of the most heavily debated topics of the current administration. Some are looking for small changes, making it easier for citizens to get the proper amount of care. Others are calling for a complete overhaul of the system itself, moving into a more socialistic practice. Helping to fuel the fire is the sudden and devastating onset of the H1N1 virus, or Swine Flu. Starting as a small epidemic in early spring of 2009, it hit the world hard during flu season. And with the onset of the holidays, we have a much more serious illness on our hands.

Each year, as we gather into groups of family and loved ones, a silent sick comes creeping up on us. The latest virus, the JOSN1 (for Jolly Old Saint Nick) strain of the flu, has had severe and far-reaching effects. It seems that nearly 65% of the nations workforce has taken 1 or more sick days following the end-of-the-year celebrations, not accounting for tardiness caused by malfunctioning alarm clocks (nearly 50% of alarm clocks, even those received brand new on Christmas day, malfunction in the work days following the 25th of December). Workplaces are almost desolate in the aftermath of this quick-acting ailment. Also, schools are closed for the majority of the season, in anticipation of JOSN1′s effects.

If you have not heard anything about this bug, don’t feel bad. Most people have not heard of the Santa Virus, and for good reason. It seems that it carries with it a wide range of symptoms, both positive and negative. Here’s a quick list to help you and your loved ones:

• Laziness
  
• Drowsiness
• Feelings of Nostalgia
• Strong Desire to Help Others
• Sudden Hunger for Junk Food
• Stomach Ache

There is a way to protect yourself and your families. Along with the basic practices during the flu season (hand washing, good hygienic practices, etc.) you can take a few extra steps:

1. Avoid parties where people who already have JOSN1 will be.
2. Wash the dishes used for milk and cookies well before reusing them.
3. Drink plenty of fluids, especially those with Vitamin C.

Together, we can work towards stopping the spread of JOSN1, and avoid the work shortages that always ensue. Make sure to stay away from those already sick, and if you start to experience any JOSN1 symptoms, seek the advice of your medical care provider.