The Constitution of the United States fits on six printed pages. After the 1,990 page health care bill last year, Congress decided that bills were getting too long and too complex. Subsequently, a bill was passed limiting the number of pages that would be allowed in any single bill, known as the ‘Bill-Ceiling Bill’.

“It makes perfect sense that bills are getting longer; it’s called inflation,” Senator Bushman explains. “I’m sick of hearing these constitution comparisons. A $100 hair cut cost like 5 cents back then.”

The Bill-Ceiling has already been raised 26 times since it was originally created, and congress is in session once again to discuss another Bill-Ceiling increase for the latest revision of the ‘Corporate Donor Stimulus Bill’ which outlines the requirements under which corporations may receive a waiver for the health care bill.

When asked whether or not the Bill-Ceiling has ever caused any bills to be shortened, or prevented their passage. Senator Bushman replied, “Of course not. What a ridiculous thing to prevent important legislation from passing. We pretty much have to pass a ‘Raise The Bill-Ceiling Bill’ before we pass any new bill. In fact, our last bill to raise the ceiling was over the limit previously established.”

When asked what the purpose of the bill was, considering that the average number of pages per bill has nearly doubled since the original ‘Bill Ceiling Bill’ passed, Bushman answered, ”…to show the American people we hear them, to show we are serious about this issue. We’ll pass 1,000 more bills on this issue if we have to. Money is no object.”

Mother Nature has punished North America this week with record snow fall and devastatingly dramatic drops (cool alliteration, right??) in temperature across the continent.  People are scrambling to understand where this 2,000 mile long storm came from.  The planet’s smartest and most prestigious scientists are baffled.  The world’s top universities and climate researchers are all left scratching their head.  Thankfully we have access to something that surpasses the collective intelligence of the entire scientific community.  We have access to Al Gore.

In his typical, merciful way, Al Gore saw humanity’s confusion and he swooped in to rescue us from intellectual darkness.  The short answer? Mother Nature is pissed.  “As it turns out, the scientific community has been addressing this particular question for sometime now” gloats Al Gore, before answering the question that has so many scholars perplexed. “Increased heavy snowfalls are completely consistent with what [I] have been predicting as a consequence of man-made global warming” concludes Gore.  He continues later in his blog post by summarizing that the warming creates “all sorts of havoc.”

Gore isn’t kidding.  “All sorts of havoc” doesn’t even scratch the surface.  If you think a 2,000 mile long snow storm in the U.S. is a big deal, then the weather happenings that are taking place elsewhere will shatter your universe.  If you’re not sitting down, then please find a seat before reading on.

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Ready? Ok, in December 2010, astronomers discovered a huge storm on Saturn.  They discovered in January 2011 that the storm has continued to grow.  One nerdy space article explains “In the past two weeks, the massive white patch has spread across the northern edge of the planet, spanning a length some ten times the diameter of Earth.”  There have been previous similar storms discovered on the planet.  There was a different one in 2010, one in 2006, 1994, and 1990, but there hasn’t been a storm of this size and intensity in several decades and perhaps ever.  That’s right; this could very well be the worst storm that has ever developed on Saturn.  The storm is wreaking “all sorts of havoc” on the ringed planet.

Are you still sitting? Al Gore, with all his unparalleled intellect, has made the underestimation of the millennium.  Global warming isn’t our primary concern anymore.  Our enemy is actually “Man-Made Solar Systematic and Interplanetary Warming.”  Our gluttonous consumption of carbon-emitting fossil fuels has caused more damage than we could have ever imagined…

Part two will examine how our carbon emissions on Earth have ravaged the delicate atmosphere of our solar system and what we can do to try to reverse or repair the damage that we’ve caused.

You’re going to like the changes Janet Napolitano is making to the TSA patdown process. You may decide to go through security multiple times.

We are no longer fighting to win, we’re fighting a war that is simply a nuisance to the Commander in Chief.  We’re fighting to have as few deaths as possible until we can get out of there, and it’s having the exact opposite effect.

I’d write something funny if I thought that there was anything funny about this.

http://www.icasualties.org/oef/

by John Roberts

In response to the attempted bombing of a Christmas gathering in Oregon, Homeland Security has decided to take security measures to the next level.

After successfully quelling any Christian retribution in Oregon through increased security measures, Janet Napolitano has decided that her department must create a new agency to protect Muslims nationwide. This agency will be called the Muslim Security Agency (MSA).

Napolitano explains her decision. “Every time there is Muslim violence against Christians or other Americans, I wonder to myself how many Muslims this is putting in danger. It’s our job to protect them.”

The MSA will be responsible for performing a vigorous pat down of every non-Muslim that comes within 50 yards of all mosques and other Muslim gathering places.

One new MSA security hire was asked how one could identify a non-Muslim and responded, ”Are you kidding me? Nonnies dress differently, have different skin color….They’re butt easy to find.”

When asked why the Muslims aren’t patted down he said, “Duh! Muslims aren’t going to blow themselves up! Besides it’s against their religion to get pat downs. Listen, they are the victims here. No need to pour salt on an open wound.”

Reverse profiling charges filed by the ACLU have yet to gain any traction.

“Just a warning to all Christians out there. Every time there’s an act of violence by Muslims, we’re going to beef up Muslim security just that much more,” added Napolitano. “Don’t even think about trying anything. It’s been a long time since the crusades in Europe and Christians are seriously overdue for some violence. We’re watching you.”

by John Roberts

The most anticipated stimulus, probably ever, was implemented this week, and the ripple effect has already been felt throughout the economy. Although much of what has resulted is somewhat unexpected.

Federal Reserve chairman explains his decision-making process behind the million dollar stimulus. “When we decided to dump more money into the economy, we were so sick and tired of spending trillions of dollars on stimulus money that never stimulated anything but the money printing press. We decided to try giving free money to the people…..We have no idea what we’re doing.”

One of the unanticipated effects of the stimulus is an almost 100% drop in the labor force. Former Wal Mart Employee Todd Page tells of his decision to quit. “I ain’t workin’ no eight dollar’n hour job. I’m a millionaire!”

As millions of people took to the streets to spend their stimulus money, almost all have found their intended destinations closed, due to lack of work force.

One creative electronics store owner in New York City has found a way to capitalize. “I’m paying all of my employees $1200 per hour to work. I also had to jack up the prices of our products 1000% to pay them, but our doors are open.”

 It’s not just electronics that have seen a rise in price.

“I’ve had my eye on this million dollar home ever since Obama became president, but there was no way I could afford it,” one aspiring home owner, Jerry Beus, related. “As soon as I got my stimulus check I went to buy the house, but the price keeps going up every day. It’s at like $2 million now.” The house is also for sale by owner, as the real estate agent has been using all of her waking hours searching for an open furniture store so she can buy a new couch.

“This is messed up man,”  insisted a local resident. “I still can’t afford anything. Somebody’s going to have to give me more money!”

 “If things don’t settle down soon, I’m going to have to lower interest rates,” says Bernanke. “It’s a hail mary, but it’s the only other trick I know.”

 Only time will tell if the Fed can pull us out of this recession. It’s still to early to tell if this one has a chance.

http://www.alertnet.org/thenews/newsdesk/LDE6AF1I1.htm

Be careful what you say if you’re the victim of a crime.  You could very well be fined or face jail time if you profile your mugger in a protected category, such as the tall, or ginger, muscular, or those who wear hoodies.

Janet Napolitano has introduced a new standard for protecting all citizens from becoming the victim of profiling.

Forensic sketch artists now risk the business end of a night stick if their sketches specifically profile any number of societal groups, such as the overweight, the bald, people with tiny eyes, glasses, short hair.

In a press conference, Secretary Napolitano introduced a victim of profiling.  This victim, Jared Marks, recounted his experience, “I was just driving down the road, and I got pulled over and questioned for 5 minutes.  I didn’t do anything wrong other than the fact that I was driving the same model and color of car that had been described in a robbery in the area an hour earlier.  It was humiliating.  Well, it turns out they were wrong, and they let me go.  I just don’t want to be harrassed anymore, just because I drive a red hatchback.  Is someone else better than me just because you drive a blue hatchback, or a white hatchback?  No.  That’s 5 minutes I’ll never get back.”

An old, white Catholic nun was asked by reporters what she thought about having to get a full and intimate pat down at the airport in reaction to specific threats communicated by Muslim extremist groups, and she responded, “I’m willing to do my part for safety.  There’s no way these TSA officers can determine whether or not I’m a dangerous Muslim extremist or not unless they give a good feel of my bra and private areas, now if you’ll excuse me I need to start my 3 day vow of silence to cleanse myself.”

A New York police officer stated, “If we get a report from a witness that hispanic suspects drove a white van from the scene of a crime, the first thing we will do is arrest the witness for profiling, take him down to the station and have him fined, then once we’re done giving him a full pat down, then we will return to the original scene of the crime and begin pulling over every car, of every color and make, with drivers of all races, and give them full pat downs.”

by John Roberts

As the naked body scanners and invasive patdowns of air travel patrons become more common, so do the complaints.

New security measures adopted by the TSA and endorsed by homeland security secretary Janet Napolitano have people protesting that it violates their right against unreasonable search. Airlines worldwide are also concerned with extra restrictions on an already struggling industry.

At Monday’s press conference, Janet Napolitano explained the real problem. “This has simply been a communication problem. If passengers really knew what was going on here, they would be all for people grabbing their privates.”

This continues a theme from the Obama administration of communication being at the heart of these issues as opposed to the policies themselves.

“We need to do a better job of setting the mood,” Napolitano continued. ”At airport security areas we are going to start dimming the lights a bit. We will also be playing Kenny G music softly. While escorting passengers to the renamed “Happy Area”, TSA security will be required to talk a little bit about themselves. I think it will really be an enjoyable experience.”

Other changes that are expected are renaming security officers ‘escorts’, allowing passengers to select their own escort from a lineup while holding a picture of their own naked body scan, the option of having the escort feed them fruit while they perform the patdown for an extra fee.

Homeland Security anticipates that the changes will more than make up for the decreased air travel since the new policies were instituted.