Mother Nature has punished North America this week with record snow fall and devastatingly dramatic drops (cool alliteration, right??) in temperature across the continent.  People are scrambling to understand where this 2,000 mile long storm came from.  The planet’s smartest and most prestigious scientists are baffled.  The world’s top universities and climate researchers are all left scratching their head.  Thankfully we have access to something that surpasses the collective intelligence of the entire scientific community.  We have access to Al Gore.

In his typical, merciful way, Al Gore saw humanity’s confusion and he swooped in to rescue us from intellectual darkness.  The short answer? Mother Nature is pissed.  “As it turns out, the scientific community has been addressing this particular question for sometime now” gloats Al Gore, before answering the question that has so many scholars perplexed. “Increased heavy snowfalls are completely consistent with what [I] have been predicting as a consequence of man-made global warming” concludes Gore.  He continues later in his blog post by summarizing that the warming creates “all sorts of havoc.”

Gore isn’t kidding.  “All sorts of havoc” doesn’t even scratch the surface.  If you think a 2,000 mile long snow storm in the U.S. is a big deal, then the weather happenings that are taking place elsewhere will shatter your universe.  If you’re not sitting down, then please find a seat before reading on.

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Ready? Ok, in December 2010, astronomers discovered a huge storm on Saturn.  They discovered in January 2011 that the storm has continued to grow.  One nerdy space article explains “In the past two weeks, the massive white patch has spread across the northern edge of the planet, spanning a length some ten times the diameter of Earth.”  There have been previous similar storms discovered on the planet.  There was a different one in 2010, one in 2006, 1994, and 1990, but there hasn’t been a storm of this size and intensity in several decades and perhaps ever.  That’s right; this could very well be the worst storm that has ever developed on Saturn.  The storm is wreaking “all sorts of havoc” on the ringed planet.

Are you still sitting? Al Gore, with all his unparalleled intellect, has made the underestimation of the millennium.  Global warming isn’t our primary concern anymore.  Our enemy is actually “Man-Made Solar Systematic and Interplanetary Warming.”  Our gluttonous consumption of carbon-emitting fossil fuels has caused more damage than we could have ever imagined…

Part two will examine how our carbon emissions on Earth have ravaged the delicate atmosphere of our solar system and what we can do to try to reverse or repair the damage that we’ve caused.

US Energy Secretary, Steven Chu, recently proposed that all black streets and roof tops be painted white as a measure to help curb global warming. The theory behind this proposal is that lighter colors would reflect the suns rays back into space, rather than trap them in the earth and increase global temperatures.

Al Gore immediately jumped on board and purchased stock in a paint company that claims to have the whitest white paint color available, called “whitey white”. Several proposals have been made to congress to immediately begin painting all of the roads and rooftops in the world.

While this initially sounded feasible, at a price of $500 billion, it was concluded that the paint had to be applied by people, thus raising the cost, with labor, to $700 trillion. Al Gore is still pushing for this option, as his shares in the “whitey white” company have become difficult to sell.

His sights seem to be shifted as a large number of shares have been purchased in a chemical company that manufactures hair dye. Many were confused by this move until this weekend, when Secretary Chu began a new campaign marketing blonde as the new green.

“Blonde IS the new green!” He exclaimed proudly. “We’ve found an even better, and more fashionable way to reflect the suns rays into space. The part of your body that sees the sun the most is the top of your head. The majority of the world has dark hair, aborbing the suns heat. If we can just convince people to go green by going blonde, we can postpone the inevitable destruction of the earth from global warming by 6 months!”

While there isn’t an official price tag, estimates from all accounts show that this approach would be much cheaper than painting all of the roofs and streets in the world.

Critics immediately decried the policy as racist, and are attempting to block any tax increases on the “dark-haired”. Al Gore has not been found for comment on the charges of racism.

They say they’re going to implement a discretionary domestic spending freeze at $704 billion, but that’s already $63 billion more than they said they would be spending in 2011, $82 billion more than 2012, and $79 billion more than 2013.  That’s like eating a gallon of ice cream and telling your spouse not to worry about your weight because you’ve decided that you’re never going to eat more than a gallon of ice cream each night.  The only thing freezing about that is the ice cream.

Meanwhile they’ve been pushing hard on Global Warming legislation, yet all Global Warming seems to be causing is a global freeze.  A United Nations climate expert is apologizing for wild glacier melting dire warnings by a U.N. panel in 2007 that were not backed by science, and completely inaccurate.  In fact, the only dire warnings related to Global Warming coming out lately seem to be for hypster doofuses to watch their facts.

So, hot means cold and cold means hot…  you boost the economy through crippling debt… unions are the answer to successful businesses… you keep our country safe by giving terrorists an attorney, the right to remain silent, no interrogation, and a televised civilian trial… and you keep our country free by automatically registering convicted felons and people on welfare to vote.

Well, I’m on board.  How about you?

Global Warming and Evolution contradict each other.

Evidence:
1. Life evolved to adapt to its environment, yet we are currently freaking out about the “change” in our climate. I thought these changes spawned life, and evolved it into all living creatures that now exist. So we want the climate not to change because it’s bad, but the changes are what made life?
2. Evolution created man. Man is going to kill the earth. Evolution created something that is going to kill everything?
3. If evolution does exist, then what is everyone freaking out about? As the environment changes, we’ll all just adapt and survive. Right? There’s no such thing as pollution. Just things to adapt to.
4. Polar Bears-Clearly they’ll never go extinct, because they’ll evolve. I guess they could go extinct if they are weak, and were meant to die. Survival of the fittest, right? No more fussing about polar bears!

The one argument against this logic is that global warming itself seems to evolve. First it was Global Cooling, then Global Warming, then Global Climate Change. Next will be Global Same-zies, and everyone will be freaking out because global temperatures are so constant.

Anyhow, take your side. You can believe in one or the other, or neither. Not both.