by John Roberts

The most anticipated stimulus, probably ever, was implemented this week, and the ripple effect has already been felt throughout the economy. Although much of what has resulted is somewhat unexpected.

Federal Reserve chairman explains his decision-making process behind the million dollar stimulus. “When we decided to dump more money into the economy, we were so sick and tired of spending trillions of dollars on stimulus money that never stimulated anything but the money printing press. We decided to try giving free money to the people…..We have no idea what we’re doing.”

One of the unanticipated effects of the stimulus is an almost 100% drop in the labor force. Former Wal Mart Employee Todd Page tells of his decision to quit. “I ain’t workin’ no eight dollar’n hour job. I’m a millionaire!”

As millions of people took to the streets to spend their stimulus money, almost all have found their intended destinations closed, due to lack of work force.

One creative electronics store owner in New York City has found a way to capitalize. “I’m paying all of my employees $1200 per hour to work. I also had to jack up the prices of our products 1000% to pay them, but our doors are open.”

 It’s not just electronics that have seen a rise in price.

“I’ve had my eye on this million dollar home ever since Obama became president, but there was no way I could afford it,” one aspiring home owner, Jerry Beus, related. “As soon as I got my stimulus check I went to buy the house, but the price keeps going up every day. It’s at like $2 million now.” The house is also for sale by owner, as the real estate agent has been using all of her waking hours searching for an open furniture store so she can buy a new couch.

“This is messed up man,”  insisted a local resident. “I still can’t afford anything. Somebody’s going to have to give me more money!”

 “If things don’t settle down soon, I’m going to have to lower interest rates,” says Bernanke. “It’s a hail mary, but it’s the only other trick I know.”

 Only time will tell if the Fed can pull us out of this recession. It’s still to early to tell if this one has a chance.

A Chinese scientific research center just acquired bragging rights as the builder of the fastest supercomputer ever made.

When questioned about the exclusive use of  American microchips for their “Chinese” supercomputer, a Chinese scientist stated, “Communism doesn’t…” at which point a Chinese official motioned toward a guard who then knocked the scientist unconscious, dragged him from the room, and replaced him with another scientist.

From this scientist we learned that it was the networking technology that was developed by Chinese researchers.  This interconnect shuttles data back and forth across many networked computers at incredible speeds.  When asked how China has been able to make such incredible strides in the field of supercomputing in such a short period of time, the Chinese scientist stated, “Big campaign donations to Bill Clin…” at which point the same Chinese official motioned toward the same guard who then knocked the scientist unconsci0us and dragged him from the room.  The Chinese official then began yelling and pointing at us, at which point we decided to just smile and point at the supercomputer in awe of it’s technological advancements.

In 2002 the U.S. lost it’s supercomputing crown to Japan, who released a machine that topped the speed of the top 20 American supercomputers combined.  Despite the incredible gap in speed, the U.S. regained the crown just two years later and has held it until today.  This Chinese supercomputer is 1.4 times faster than the single top U.S. machine, so it is estimated that it will take at least a week and a half to regain the crown.

This new Chinese supercomputer, nicknamed “We Own You,” will soon be available at Wal-Mart for $19.99.

by John Roberts

Politicians in Washington have been engaging in what they term, “Creative Spending”, to give a boost to another sagging industry, TV advertising. Instead of simply giving funds to television networks, they are buying advertising for this year’s census, and not just a little.

“The government has bought up nearly all of our extra inventory. This has really been a boost for our business.” Larry Salazar of CBN added, “it doesn’t even matter that our programming is really terrible. Hey, we can’t all have American Idol.”

Senator Jane Spenderson of Nevada explains, “People have asked me why they are seeing so many commercials for the 2010 census. I don’t think anybody truly believes that people are too stupid to fill out a card and put it in the mail. This is strictly for stimulus reasons. Strictly for job creation.”

Reports coming out of the White House show that “Cash for Cable” has created, or saved, at least 25 jobs, at a price tag of $250 million. Although it is unclear the exact number, as some of these jobs reported were in districts that don’t exist. An official spokesperson for the White House said they would be working to get the errors fixed, and would be hiring at least 3 people to do the job, putting the total number of jobs created or saved at 28.

Some fiscal conservatives believe that $100 million per job is too much money. Jane Spenderson rebuts, “try telling that to the people who now have jobs. Try telling that to their children. This program is really for the children after all.”

Leaked information from White House insiders show that the billboard and newspapers are next. Names for these programs are supposed to be debated on the Senate floor over the next few weeks. Some of the most popular have been “Bonuses for Billboards”, and “Free Money Because Newspapers Don’t Suck”.

It appears Americans have finally had enough of the outrageous bonuses and wages for CEO’s, and other “disgustingly rich” individuals. The recent Maximum Wage bill has been signed and passed into law. Included in the bill was an increase in the minimum wage to $100,000, which is also the maximum wage.

Politicians in Washington say they got the idea from watching the Jay Leno show. During his opening monologue Leno joked “Why do we keep raising minimum wage like this. Let’s just raise it to $100,000 and be done with it.”

Up to this point, it’s difficult to know what kind of long term effects this new law will have. Many executives of corporations have announced plans to quit and go into retirement. Others have expressed desires to move to Europe where they say they have more “opportunities”.

“This is just further proof that we needed to do this,” said Ohio Representative Mary Jushon. “You can’t just make millions of dollars every single year. This is America! I say good riddance.”

An average American citizen was asked on the street his opinion of the bill. “Man, this is great. Ain’t America great? I told my mom school was for fools. I especially like the part where I can’t be fired, and if I quit, I can still get paid for a year and a half. Needless to say, I’m on my way to quit my job right now. I don’t know why we didn’t think of this sooner. Working is so unfair.”

Most Americans are getting a raise under the new bill, but skeptics have questioned whether or not the bill creates a massive class of elites. Those in favor of the bill have argued that the bill abolishes all classes. “Sure, everybody will drive a Lexus and have a large home. But think of all the green jobs this will create.”

In response, chief economist from the University of Pennsylvania said “Green jobs?”

Members of the House and Senate have an exemption to the maximum wage in the bill, and also received a 10% raise as an earmark on the bill. Meanwhile, Person Magazine has reported that Jay Leno has also been exploring opportunities overseas.

by John Roberts

Conservatives all over the nation are reeling over the fact that the “free” market couldn’t protect liberal talk radio from bankruptcy. Air America is finally closing it’s doors and protecting itself from creditors through bankruptcy.

Economists are also baffled. “It seemed there was a space in the market for liberal talk radio. I mean, there was essentially no competition,” says economics professor Julius Brown from the University of Camford. “There were all kinds of reasons for this to succeed, including huge amounts of funding, massive free advertising on national TV networks and newspapers, recognizable hosts… It makes me question the free market.”

Lib for Life founder, Nancy Poundworthy said “As if further proof was needed. The free market again rears it’s ugly head, proving once and for all that the free market doesn’t work. The fact that liberal talk radio has failed, is truly a victory for liberalism, proving that people don’t know what’s best for themselves, and the government has to intervene in all aspects of human life. It’s really great to see this story go mainstream.”

Congressman Showers from Delaware believes the station had its merits and could have been saved. “There was no problem with the radio program. The problem was that listening was optional. The free market is such a powerful negative force, not even the fairness doctrine would have saved it. This type of radio should be mandatory listening in every K-12 school across the nation. I proposed a bill 2 years ago to save it, and educate our children simultaneously, but nobody would listen. Now the station has failed, and Republicans won in Massachusetts. This is making me look like a prophet.”

Democrats look to use the momentum from the failure of Air America for the 2012 elections, while Republicans hope the story “will just go away”.