Bill Ceiling Raised

by John Roberts The Constitution of the United States fits on six printed pages. After the 1,990 page health care bill last year, Congress decided that bills were getting too long and too complex. Subsequently, a bill was passed limiting the number of pages that would be allowed in any single bill, known as the ‘Bill-Ceiling Bill’. “It makes perfect sense [...]

Scientist Flip Floppers

Muslim Security Agency (MSA) Founded

by John Roberts In response to the attempted bombing of a Christmas gathering in Oregon, Homeland Security has decided to take security measures to the next level. After successfully quelling any Christian retribution in Oregon through increased security measures, Janet Napolitano has decided that her department must create a new agency to protect Muslims nationwide. This agency will be [...]

$1 Million Per Citizen Stimulus Passed!

by John Roberts The most anticipated stimulus, probably ever, was implemented this week, and the ripple effect has already been felt throughout the economy. Although much of what has resulted is somewhat unexpected. Federal Reserve chairman explains his decision-making process behind the million dollar stimulus. “When we decided to dump more money into the economy, we were so sick and [...]

Napolitano: Changing Perceptions Of TSA Patdowns

  by John Roberts As the naked body scanners and invasive patdowns of air travel patrons become more common, so do the complaints. New security measures adopted by the TSA and endorsed by homeland security secretary Janet Napolitano have people protesting that it violates their right against unreasonable search. Airlines worldwide are also concerned with extra [...]

San Fran Now Taking On Fortune Cookies

By John Roberts Fresh off of a win over toys in McDonald’s Happy Meals, the San Francisco legislature has a new enemy in its sights, fortune cookies. Legislator Pam Cushman explains their stance. “Intelligent individuals understand that the so-called “fortune” received in a fortune cookie does not always come true. Most people in our city don’t realize [...]

Ambassador Stages Coup At UN, Issues Long List of Non-Binding Resolutions

I’m sure this scares somebody, somewhere….

Scientific Evidence-Conservative Ads Need To Stop

By John Roberts Scientists at Harvard and UCSD have found a gene that contributes to liberal tendencies. Professor Raymond at Harvard University suggested “We’re not sure yet what the implications of our research are, but we know that the first step to finding a cure is finding the cause.” There have been mixed feelings about [...]

McDonald’s To Take Over FDA

By John Roberts Government officials are finally getting serious about cutting budgets. While McDonald’s has come under fire over the years for serving unhealthy food, one thing has become clear, it’s not killing anyone….at least, not immediately. It’s reward? Complete regulatory control over the nations food. Senators have debated the efficacy of the regulatory process [...]

Obama To Hold Job Performance Review With Every American Worker

He is the boss of every American after all, I mean he will be soon.