$1 Million Per Citizen Stimulus Passed!
by John Roberts
The most anticipated stimulus, probably ever, was implemented this week, and the ripple effect has already been felt throughout the economy. Although much of what has resulted is somewhat unexpected.
Federal Reserve chairman explains his decision-making process behind the million dollar stimulus. “When we decided to dump more money into the economy, we were so sick and tired of spending trillions of dollars on stimulus money that never stimulated anything but the money printing press. We decided to try giving free money to the people…..We have no idea what we’re doing.”
One of the unanticipated effects of the stimulus is an almost 100% drop in the labor force. Former Wal Mart Employee Todd Page tells of his decision to quit. “I ain’t workin’ no eight dollar’n hour job. I’m a millionaire!”
As millions of people took to the streets to spend their stimulus money, almost all have found their intended destinations closed, due to lack of work force.
One creative electronics store owner in New York City has found a way to capitalize. “I’m paying all of my employees $1200 per hour to work. I also had to jack up the prices of our products 1000% to pay them, but our doors are open.”
It’s not just electronics that have seen a rise in price.
“I’ve had my eye on this million dollar home ever since Obama became president, but there was no way I could afford it,” one aspiring home owner, Jerry Beus, related. “As soon as I got my stimulus check I went to buy the house, but the price keeps going up every day. It’s at like $2 million now.” The house is also for sale by owner, as the real estate agent has been using all of her waking hours searching for an open furniture store so she can buy a new couch.
“This is messed up man,” insisted a local resident. “I still can’t afford anything. Somebody’s going to have to give me more money!”
“If things don’t settle down soon, I’m going to have to lower interest rates,” says Bernanke. “It’s a hail mary, but it’s the only other trick I know.”
Only time will tell if the Fed can pull us out of this recession. It’s still to early to tell if this one has a chance.
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