Constitution Fashion Failure
by Brett Roberts
Why do liberals feel the need to abandon our Constitution? I’ve finally figured it out.
Have you seen how our Founding Fathers dressed? How can we pay attention to a document written by men in wigs and knee socks? No, no, no. Our Constitution must be completely out of date.
Sure, the Constitution was great while it lasted. It took us from a point where we, as a world, had not advanced technology in 3000 years (we were still using stick-plows, the same boat designs, hand-woven clothes, cart & oxen, early death, mystical medicines) to the point where we were walking on the moon in just a couple hundred years. This new free market, limited government idea changed the entire world and brought us electricity, engines, nuclear energy, aircraft, electronics, communications, medical research, doubled lifespan… … … (I could go on for a long time) all originating from the free private sector.
This document changed the face of the entire world, and because of it’s earth shattering success it’s principles were thought to be eternal, but how could a document possibly still apply to our modern world when it’s authors wore puffy shirts with jackets that had their collars pulled up like the Fonz? No, no, no.
We need a NEW country. One where there are no poor. There are actually people in our modern world, right here in the U.S. that can barely afford an iPod. People making minimum wage who can hardly afford a new car stereo along with so many other bills. No! This will not stand, you puffy sleeve button-up-vested bastards! Our Founding Fathers clearly did not plan far enough into the future. They failed to plan for the need for our government to take care of us, to give us health care, to control our mortgage industry, to punish the rich and redistribute their wicked wealth, to fund failing businesses and banks, and to take responsibility for saving the free market by printing money and throwing it at the liberal arts and community organizations. They did not foresee the need for government control that is so needed in today’s incredibly prosperous world.
I mean, sure, the Constitution was great for their time. Having people work as communities for the common good had been tried a thousand times, and they were looking for something new. The first settlers to America learned this lesson the extremely hard way, and had 7 years of starvation, slaughtering their milk cows, eating their dogs, then their dead, until they realized what a terrible idea the community storehouse was. Everybody took from the storehouse what they needed, and put back into it what they could. Sounds like a great way for everyone to contribute to survival, but in practice it led to starvation and death. Of the 9,000 that came, only 1,000 survived. It was only when they allowed private ownership of land, allowed them to plow their own fields for their own families, and give a couple barrels of corn to the storehouse… only when they were working for the benefit of their own families… did Jamestown become prosperous, and nobody went without.
But that was then! This is now, and we are better communities that are more willing to work for the benefit of others. We need a new country where people care for each other, where the government is one humongous community storehouse that redistributes our individual family’s gain to the community based on individual needs. I mean, sure it’s been used by tyrannical governments in the past as a means to lure the people into government control by people like Hitler, Stalin, Castro, Chavez, Mao, Mussolini… but WE CAN GET IT RIGHT THIS TIME.
I mean, what could a bunch of old dudes sporting shoes with buckles possibly know about what is needed in our day? The free market and limited government were great while they lasted, but we’ve had a few bumpy years economically, so let’s change everything! Here’s to the future, written by people in proper modern fashionable attire!
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